I held myself pure for the temple marriage, entrance to celestial kingdom. Give your tithing, follow their rules unwavering. BYU graduate, a strong professional dancer/art minor, a unheard college female made the finish line. I didn't know how beautiful I was, how smart, the courage I carried. I believed unworthy, a sinner with poverty in her bones. The poor in spirit inherits the kingdom full-in determined to be saved. I worked summers, recreation leader Santa Clara County CA USA. Modest clothes, saved every penny for tuition. My Mother had a 10th grade education, she encouraged me to forge ahead with silent prayers. I didn't know Mormon religion was a cult until 2018. It took months to undo the heavy wet-blanket brainwashings in my girl brain.
My faithfulness allowed me in scared to the temple before married. The future husband a priesthood holder will save me, get me to God. One night in the dark we hugged each other, I felt his holy d*ck press against my clothes. I thought it was love for 30 minutes. My college roommates thought it was love. I thought he liked me. A red flags 👹 it was not love. I hardly saw him next 1 1/2 years. We were busy with school, graduation was coming. His age 28, mine 22. His sister married a charismatic well-known BYU professor. This union was super star, a high church leadership marriage. It appeared hopeful, headed in the right way to salvation.
At 23 had a baby girl named Cody. She was born with Microcephaly, one chromosome was missing, lived 2 1/2 years. It slammed me hard, endless damning self-judgments into depression. Baby Cody stripped my self-righteous, arrogant self to nothing Mormons believe they are the chosen ones better than the civie/gentile world I failed, she failed in around us failed. Everyone was helpless to comfort "this baby needs you". I thought who will help me? The husband, the seminary teacher never cried, never held her, never loved her. It was our fault, we made him look bad 👹 red flag.
Engagement: the soon to be husband drove to Santa Clara, California asked my Dad for celestial marriage, he said yes. The priesthood approved me, a faithful daughter in Zion. No celebration, a noble obligation to make the kingdom look powerful. His secret to be a 12 apostles as a High Church Leader. Underneath his careful spoken words was a snake waiting to bite every part of me for his selfish Godhood (a spiritual narcissistic abuser). Whenever, I didn't agree or follow his directions, his commands, he called me an apostate. It became my middle name 👹 red flag. His cunning controlled silence, it drove me crazy.
Our daily routine, we had sex in the morning, off to teach religious classes and church meeting. He came home late at night. No hugs, how's your day, nothing. It went on and on as his abandoned trophy wife who paid off his school loans, no thanks. We looked perfect but was in tormented trap, no way out. We were sealed in the temple for time and eternity.
A newly married couple with very little money. I was given hand me down dresses. Some dresses were classy, other men told him, "You have the most beautiful wife!" He never told me you're beautiful. He used controlled silence 24/7. I thought, I'm a loser who didn't please him. I busted my ass to please, I waited long and hard for a kind word. Never. I'm am artist, I created our wedding bands from scrap silver, cost $4 dollars. One day he lost his ring to a wandering traveler. He didn't care, shrugged it off. I was crushed. I spent hours in the design with a sun for celestial kingdom.
He had a family counselor degree and a Bible we never read, never prayed. We lived the teachings of the Doctrine and Covenants by Joseph Smith. The Prophet of the Church had all the answers for all members. The first month of marriage, I jumped his bones. Why not, I saved myself all those years. I will never forget what he said about my sex drive, "You act like a sex-crazed female described in my text books for newly married couples". If we did it more than 3 times a week he was exhausted. I knew I was in trouble, big trouble.
This is a tiny sample of my religious cult, temple marriage. The extended version is an encyclopedia up and down disappointments from a black-heart. I was determined to build up Zion, make it work. If you're sealed in the temple it's a huge deal for time and eternity.
P.S.
The Mormon Bishop, to the world a preacher. This pressure to be perfect was heavy. I made sure house was spotless, the yard a prize garden like the Temple grounds. 1980, he gave me $200 to feed all of us (saved about 10%). I grew a garden, a prep-per, cooked everything from scratch. The kids never had soda pop. They were not like the rest of the kids. They felt like low-income white trash. On top of this the entire ward mocked me for cooking simple healthy food. He took all the credit, the ward thought he was God. The kids suffered his chaotic tactics for his perfect marriage. It was a lie, it was infected, it was deception days on days. I called my parents so much I wore out the phone cord. Helpless words in my abandoned cries, I'm drowning (parents lived in California and we lived SLC, Utah).
If you shake your head how did she do it, guess what I still do. How did I let him do this to me? This is what hard child traumas and brainwashing does to anyone in a religious cult.
You look stupid. I have wept endless night over this.
